My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years, and we rarely share our marriage bed. It was a natural progression from the beginning of our relationship where we slept together in a cramped full-sized bed to the choice to sleep apart.
When I first decided that I needed to sleep alone, I faced months of arguments, guilt trips, and hurt feelings. Slowly, over time, my husband understood that our marriage worked better when we slept in separate rooms.
I never wanted to share my bed. As a young girl who shared a room with my younger sibling, I longed for a room of my own. My desire for a private space stayed with me. As I grew older and moved in with my now-husband, it was a struggle to admit I didn't like sleeping next to someone, not even my spouse.
I spent most of our relationship trying to conform to what I thought were normal societal standards. I thought couples were supposed to always share a bedroom and, more importantly, that they slept side-by-side every night. They flicked off their matching table side lamps at precisely the exact time and drifted off into dreamland together.
Trying to be what I thought was "normal" ended up only causing a growing resentment inside of me towards my husband. I was constantly bitter about the loud snores echoing in my ears. Other times, my husband would combat me in his sleep with short, irregular leg jerks.
Each night was becoming a struggle to find some form of rest in our shared bed. I grew angry and madness swelled inside of me. These emotions overtook me, and I began fighting a man who was resting peacefully, completely unaware that he was even involved in a late night disagreement.
A trend began where I grabbed my pillow and stomped downstairs to a more peaceful night's rest on the couch. I muttered angry words he would never hear. The next morning, I was filled with contempt and jealously, because he was able to sleep.
Mainly, I like to indulge in some much needed solitude; time away from another human.
Over the past few years, I stopped going to our bed. I stopped sharing my sleeping space with my husband. The first few months, he questioned me and was hurt by my decision.
He had sentiments where he asked one repeated question, "Why aren't you sleeping with me anymore?" He accused me of cheating, and said I had fallen out of love with him. I tried to explain my reasoning. My simplistic answer wasn't the easiest to accept.
My response, always the same, was I slept better alone. I am free to stretch out. I could wake up in the early dawn hours and do my work or do household chores without feeling like I was disturbing my husband. Mainly, I like to indulge in some much needed solitude; time away from another human.
None of the reasons were created because of him. They manifested solely because of the person I am. I never wanted to share a bed with anyone. Although my marriage was the beginning of our union, it was also the beginning of accepting that we are two individuals with different sleeping schedules.
I am the resident night owl, I stay up late and I go to bed long after the clock strikes midnight. My husband is the exact opposite. He has a very structured bedtime routine that allows him to obtain the maximum number of sleeping hours he can achieve. He begins unwinding at 9pm and is usually in bed, snoring loudly by 10pm.
For over a decade, I followed him to bed, and I would always lay there fighting to find sleep. Laying in the darkness and watching your mate sleep the night away can be a frustrating experience. I had to admit I didn't want to go to that bed every night, I wasn't ready for bed and it was hard for me to sleep next to someone.
By finally admitting the way I always felt and working hard to make my husband understand, I was able to find peace. I slept where I wanted to and broke the forced habit of crawling into bed because I thought I was expected to.
Occasionally, I will find myself wanting to sleep next to my husband, and those are special nights. They aren't forced like they used to be. Instead, we are choosing to share our bed and our night's sleep next to each other. We are choosing, on those nights, to be together.
